Upon rejecting Christianity, I did not automatically jump to an atheistic conclusion. I still held to some fundamental idea of God, however ambiguous it might have been. A benign father figure or creator of sorts. It just wasn’t time to throw the baby out with the bath water. Which, by the way, is something I’ve always wanted to do. A baby is a fragile and vulnerable thing, a precious and joyous gift of life. I still want to throw one at a bullseye. You simply haven’t lived til you’ve seen a baby hurtling at 70 mph.

Eat your drywall, Toby.

Eat your drywall, Toby.

Though it wouldn’t be long before I realized that an all-powerful and loving, personal God could ill be squared with the Problem of Evil. As Epicurus wisely put it: “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”

BaZing! Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get some pupils?

BaZing! Now, whose dick do I have to suck to get some pupils?

Of course, the Problem of Evil can seemingly be defused by appealing to Free Will. However, many sources of suffering are due to entirely natural causes. Among them: hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, disease, famine, butt worms, etc. With the possible exception of butt worms, the others cannot be so easily dismissed. Unless one wishes to argue that tectonic plates have desire.

Oh, just rub my crust right into yours.

Yeah, just rub your crust right against mine. Ahhh…

Oh, but how quickly I forget: “God works in mysterious ways.” Why, of course he does. Funny how those “mysterious ways” are completely indistinguishable from God sitting around with his thumb in his butt.

$10 bucks says I find that goddamn TiVo remote.

$10 bucks says I find that goddamn TiVo remote.

So, with a personal God out of the question, what was left? Well, the very existence of the universe still needed some explaining. If nothing else, it seemed to me that there had to be a creator, something or someone who set all this in motion. And so I arrived at Deism: belief in a supreme being who created the world but does not intervene in it. Somewhat akin to what a few of our Founding Fathers believed, e.g., Thomas Jefferson and Thomas Paine. As Paine once famously wrote, “It is the duty of every true Deist to vindicate the moral justice of God against the evils of the Bible.” And here you thought they were all fundamentalist Christians.

Pfft. Fuck Jesus.

Pfft. Fuck Jesus.

After all, I had enough familiarity with science to know that our universe began some 13.8 billion years ago at the Big Bang. But, what caused it? How does this much something come from nothing? It almost had to be the divine act of a supreme being, a creation ex nihilo (out of nothing).


Let there be light! …and Maury Povich reruns.

As it turns out, this is exactly the type of thing that Christian philosopher William Lane Craig argues, i.e., The Kalam Cosmological Argument for the Existence of God. How ’bout them apples? Not only does it have a cool sounding name, but, heck, if you can’t trust a Christian philosopher, who can ya trust? They’re all so goddamn genuine! Couldn’t fake a smile if they had to!

Everything about me screams "Genuine!"

Yep. Just shit my pants. Must. Keep. Smiling.

So, that pretty well settles it. When you arrive at the limits of your knowledge, when there just doesn’t seem to be an explanation in sight, simply invoke God, and, presto! Tis explained! YeeeahNO. This is what philosophers call an Argument from Ignorance. By settling for an answer that is essentially steeped in magic, you haven’t really answered anything. In fact, you’ve only kicked the can down the road, explaining one mystery by invoking another: God.

I know the answer to X! It's XX!

I know the answer to X! It’s XX!

Okay, so back to the drawing board. Philosophical faux pas or not, how could the universe have emerged from nothing? There almost had to be something from which everything else came. Nothing couldn’t possibly produce anything! That would be a logical absurdity!

Like voting Republican when you're poor white trash!

Like voting Republican when you’re poor white trash!

Unless the nothing of physics is actually… wait for it… wait for it some more… oh, God, this is so close to happening… unless the nothing of physics is actually still… something.

Yep. This guy again.

Yep. This guy again.

Here’s the lowdown on “nothing,” according to Dr. Sten Odenwald of NASA:

When physicists say ‘nothing’ they are being playful with the English language, because we often think of the vacuum as being ’empty’ or ‘nothing’ when in fact physicists know full well that the vacuum is far from empty. The primordial ‘state’ at the Big Bang was far from being the kind of ‘nothingness’ you might have in mind. We don’t have a full mathematical theory for describing this ‘state’ yet, but it was probably ‘multidimensional’, it was probably a superposition of many different ‘fields’, and these fields, or whatever they were, were undergoing ‘quantum fluctuations’. Space and time were not the things we know them to be today because our world is a lot colder than the way it started out. Nothingness was not nothing, but it was not anything like the kinds of ‘somethings’ we know about today.


Now, how ’bout you drop them panties?

And there you have it. Our universe was indeed spawned from a strange and curious void. An underlying field of existence, or substratum, that has probably always been, and forever will be. This is scientifically supported by the First Law of Thermodynamics (mass-energy is neither created nor destroyed), which itself is confirmed by the net energy of the universe as a whole (all positive, material energy minus all negative, gravitational energy equals zero). Thus, there was no violation of conservation laws between the zero-state energy of the primordial void and now. Follow me?

It is so totally okay if you need to read that again.

It is so totally okay if you need to read that again.

What’s more, according to recent findings in quantum physics, our universe may cycle through an endless series of Big Bangs, essentially rebirthing itself from within every so many billion years. Precise measurements of what is known as the Higgs boson particle have revealed an inherent vacuum instability, suggesting that the universe is eternally in flux. Bottom line: the universe was never in need of a creator. In one form or another, it has probably always existed.

Oh, yeah... that's... that's more poop.

Oh, yeah… just squeezed a little more out, there.

All in all, a personal God seems wildly improbable, given the Problem of Evil. And science renders the God of Deism without any explanatory utility. So much for attempting to find God at the ass end of space. But don’t hold your breath waiting for Christian apologists to fairly and accurately portray science before their flock. They come from a long line of deception and delusion. One that’s lasted at least 2,000 years.

Man. Judas didn't fuck me that hard.

I’ve inspired generations of assholes.




NOTE: All claims made by Zeitgeist, as well as detailed rebuttals to those claims, can be conveniently located here:

We’ve all heard various claims about Jesus resembling other gods from the distant past. Problem is, a lot of those claims are bogus, especially the ones peddled by conspiracy films like Zeitgeist–a steaming pile of bull excrement that’s so big and bullshitty, it dwarfs the Matterhorn. (Not the one in Disneyland, but the actual goddamn Matterhorn.) Unfortunately, some of this nonsense is repeated in Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code and Bill Maher’s Religulous, bringing it to the forefront of pop culture awareness. (As if the ubiquitous media lords weren’t already pumping us full of stupid.)

But, fear not. I’m gonna deliver the goods on several Jesusy myths that are actually backed by ancient sources. And that other stuff? Apparently, some conspiracy theorist birthed it from his ass after a night of bad baloney and 100-proof absinthe. So, I’m just gonna put it back.

This might come as a bit of a "Shocker."

This might come as a bit of a “shocker.”


According to Zeitgeist, Horus, Mithra, and Krishna were all born to virgins. This is abundantly attested in such sources as NONE. EVER. Krishna was the eighth child born to Devaki. Sort of like the Octomom of antiquity, but with her childbirths spread out over time. And her legs spread out all the time. Mithra emerged fully grown from a rock. I know… Rock. Virgin. Same diff. After Osiris had been shredded to pieces by his evil brother Set, Isis recovered all the parts but his penis. So, she magically crafted a new one out of gold, by which she conceived Horus. Isis, therefore, was not a virgin. Though, an argument could be made that Osiris’ shiny new dick was.

Gold? Buy that goddamn dick! The Economic Apocalypse is upon us!

Buy that goddamn dick! The Apocalypse is upon us!

Technically, there were no gods born to virgin mothers. However, several of them were the offspring of a High God and a mortal woman. In some cases, the women had previously been virgins. In others, they produced the child in the absence of sexual intercourse. To wit:

Alexander the Great was conceived when Zeus struck Olympias with a hot wad of Zeus Juice. What, you thought Alexander was special just because he conquered nations and buggered butts? That ain’t the half of it; his dad was the fucking King of Gods. On “Bring Your Dad to School Day,” Alex won, hands down. Little Ipoopsoles’ daddy might’ve been the best plumber in Athens, but nobody gave a clog-worthy shit that day.

Relinquish the Crappin'!

Release the crappin’!

Zeus also fathered Perseus upon the virgin Danae in a shower of gold. No, Zeus wasn’t emulating R. Kelly; it was a literal shower of gold, you perv. Perictione birthed Plato after a wet-dream interlude with Apollo. What, you thought he was famous just because he waxed philosophical and buggered butts? That ain’t the half of it; his dad was the fucking God of the Sun. Pythagoras, too, was the offspring of Apollo, after he shagged sweet Pythais’ petunia.

I got the moves like Jagger!

I got the moves like Jagger!

Semele bore Dionysus as a result of–wouldn’t you know it–more Zeus Juice. Rhea Silvia was a Vestal Virgin until Ares popped her cherry, hence the birth of Romulus. Queen Maya produced Gautama the Buddha without even dropping her pants. Similarly, Nana conceived Attis sans coitus. Last but not least, there’s Jesus, who came spilling out of Mary without a hint of spooge from Yahweh. And his dad could blow shit up.

I make it RAIN in here!

OMG, we are flaming!

According to Dr. Richard Carrier, the similarities with Christianity are no coincidence:

…since the idea of [supernaturally conceived] gods was already in the cultural atmosphere, and was self-evidently miraculous and thus ‘proof’ of God’s intervention in history in a way that would confirm the divinity of Jesus, there was ample motive to develop and promote the idea.

In all of this, I suspect that the theme of miraculous conception is intended to set a precedent. The ruler, master, or godling came into the world in an exceptional manner, so their legacy will likewise be exceptional. But, that’s secondary to the more obvious theme: Zeus. Was horny. As fuck.

I will find you. And I will fuck you.

I will find you. And I will fuck you.


According to Zeitgeist, Horus performed such miracles as walking on water. Because, you see, Horus represented the sun, and sunshine is reflected on water, thus Horus walked on water. QED. Even if this silly argument were granted, magically walking on shit isn’t really that big o’ deal. Pretty much anyone who’s ever tried whippets has done it.

Pythagoras and Empedocles are a much better match. They were able to soothe raging winds and seas, just as Jesus did in Mark 4:35-41. Raging hemorrhoids, however? Not so much.

Put 2 of these in your butt, and call me if it makes you horny.

I’ll take “Things You Can Shove Up Your Ass” for $800, Alex.

Pythagoras was also associated with a miraculous catch of fish, just as Jesus was in John 21:1-19. The miracle in the Gospel is that Jesus supernaturally aids in catching all the fish, whereas the miracle in the Pythagoras tale is that he magically guesses the precise number of fish caught. Pythagoras demanded that the fish be set free after being counted; and, as he stood there, none of them died while out of the water. How fucking badass is that? As far as PETA is concerned, Pythagoras is Lord.

Suck it, Jesus.

Suck it, Jesus.

It’s clear that the Gospel story was a retelling of the other, as John 21:11 specifies that 153 fish were caught in all–a telltale vestige of Pythagorean numerology. However, Pythagoras never copyrighted this miracle; so, like a total Jew, Jesus reproduced it and took all the credit.

Suck it, Pythagoras.

Suck it, Pythagoras.


Zeitgeist is partially correct in claiming that Horus healed the sick, but only in a very roundabout way. As Thoth had cured Horus from the sting of a scorpion, the ancient Egyptians believed they could be mystically identified with Horus in order to overcome poisonous infections.

You’d think with all the venomous critters that were frolicking about and poking everyone in the ass, the Egyptians would up and move camp. But, this was not possible, as the ancient alien warlords who created them demanded that they stay and ogle their technicolor rocket ships.

I do about "this much" heroine between takes.

I do about “this much” heroine between takes.

Much closer to home is Asclepius, who miraculously healed the paralytic, the lame, and the blind. Pretty much a dead ringer for Jesus, as he healed precisely the same ailments (Mk. 2:1-12, Jn. 5:1-15 & 9:1-12). In responding to early critics of Christianity, church father Justin Martyr had this to say:

When we say that [Jesus] healed the lame, the paralytic, and those born blind, and raised the dead, we seem to be talking about things like those said to have been done by Asclepius.

Translation: Our bullshit’s no different than your bullshit, so let us preach this bullshit or I’m calling bullshit.

Do I even need to say it?

Ah. So, this is a tiny chip o’ shit by comparison.

Swedish scholar Roger Viklund goes as far as to say this:

[Jesus’] miracles were imitations of what pagan gods in the vicinity had accomplished. The faith healings, for instance, were borrowed from Asclepius.

Yeah, well, I just pulled a bird outta Pastor Brown's ass!

So? Look! I just pulled a bird outta Marvin’s ass!


The Christ Conspiracy, the book upon which Zeitgeist is based, claims that Horus raised his father Osiris from the dead, just as Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead (Jn. 11:1-46). Aside from questionable attempts to link “Lazarus” with “Osiris,” this claim is generally true: Horus did raise Osiris from the dead. Holy shit. I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.

"Oh, blow me."

Fuck an A-Right, it’s 10:17!

Asclepius also had quite a knack for raising the dead. In fact, he was too good.

Asclepius’ raising of the dead aroused the wrath of Zeus. Not only was Zeus angered to see many of his old enemies, whom he had struck dead with his thunderbolts, returning to life, but his brother Hades, king of the underworld, was complaining about the dearth of new arrivals (

For fuck's sake, I'm getting lonely down here.

Look at this, Hellhound. Even my nails are going to shit.

Just how completely Jesusy was Asclepius?

Jesus’ achievements when healing the lame and the paralytic and when resurrecting the dead were similar to those of Asclepius, even identical with them [emphasis added] … to the heathens Christ naturally seemed but another Asclepius (Ludwig Edelstien, “Asclepius: Collection and Interpretation of the Testimonies,” p. 134).

Okay, but, as early church father Firmicus Maternus once quipped, “The Devil has his Christs.” So, everyone just chill right the fuck out. This is only the work of the evil incarnate Prince of Darkness, who desperately wants to eat your soul.

I wonder if those leftovers of Gandhi are still good...

I wonder if those leftovers of Gandhi are still good…


Zeitgeist claims that Horus, Mithra, and Attis were raised from the dead after three days, just as Jesus was according to Matthew 12:40. Brace yourselves for this: the film haphazardly manages to get something right in the case of Attis.

I know. I had the same reaction.

I had the same reaction.

Attis initiates would castrate themselves in the course of an induced frenzy [symbolizing what the god himself had done]. Then, three days later, they would retrieve a ritually entombed effigy of Attis and rejoice in his resurrection, a token of their own (Robert M. Price, “The Reason Driven Life,” p. 155).

The whole emasculation thing may seem a bit overzealous; but, when “happy forever after” is being dangled over your head, what’s a lil’ sack o’ nuts?

Well... go on.

You mean, Deez… ?

Oh, but it gets better. Participants in the cult of Attis may have approached a statue of Cybele, his consort, and cast their severed bits ‘n’ pieces right into her lap. Sort of like basketball. Except that the backboard was a goddess, and “double-dribbling” was pretty much inevitable.

Just don't get any in my hair.

Just don’t get any in my hair.

Mithra, however, was never killed, much less resurrected. There is a story involving the death and resuscitation of the child Horus, as mentioned above, but a three day motif is completely absent.

Why all the fuss about Horus to begin with? His father, Osiris, is practically Jesus 1.0. His fucking father. Screw Horus.

No, it's cool. He's right. I suck.

No, it’s cool. He’s right. I suck.

Osiris was not only resurrected after three days; his resurrection paved the way for all ancient Egyptians to conquer death and live eternally. Same thing Jesus’ resurrection accomplishes for Christians (1 Cor. 15:21-23, Ro. 6:5).

Scholar of comparative religion S.G.F. Brandon said it best:

…the image was that of a divine hero who had suffered and died, and then rose from the dead. Thus Osiris was not some remote transcendent deity such as Re, the sun god, but one who had endured the grim ordeal that awaited all men. In his image, moreover, the Egyptian devotees saw also the promise of their own resurrection from death and eternal life in the realm of Osiris. Phenomenologically, if not historically, Osiris was thus a prototype of Christ (S.G.F. Brandon, “Man, Myth & Magic,” pp. 1939-40).

I did, I said that.

I did, I said that.

So, here’s the long and short of it: If you take 1 gal Egyptian religion, add 2 Tbsp Greek mythology and 1 oz Judaism, shake, stir, do the Ickey Shuffle, place in oven, bake at 420 degrees for 15 minutes, remove contents, let settle and cool, shuffle a bit more, then serve, you get this:


I am just beside myself.

Forget Zeitgeist. History tells a far more compelling story.

For more details concerning the resurrections of Attis and Osiris, see Addendum to Article over at Atheologica.